Alright, so “you’ve caught your lesbian. Now what are you going to do with her? If I know dykes, the first date might very well be a negotiation of romance followed by sex followed by discussion of childhood traumas, all preparatory to that tired old joke about moving in together on the second date. Try not to sleep with her on the first date – unless you really want to.

By the time you’ve gotten to know her online, you’ve probably been doing some fairly heavy duty seduction – as delicious as that is, it’s risky too. You might meet and find there’s just no chemistry. It’d be wise to discuss that first, so that you can both escape with dignity and underwear intact if necessary.

I’ll leave the date practicalities to you, but perhaps a few pointers – it can be as cheap, as kitsch, as silly, as sophisticated as you like, and it can still be incredibly romantic. As a friend said to me recently, “it costs nothing to share a rainbow.” Fashion advice is a whole ‘nother column, but remember everyone looks great in bootleg pants, a well tailored shirt and clenz boots. No cellphones clipped to belts, no amusing t-shirts and for goodness’ sake make sure you smell nice and cut your nails.

Next step; be yourself. Don’t set her and you up for a whole lot of bull when the facade peels, because facades always peel, so they’re best left in a dark closet somewhere far. There’s nothing wrong with strutting – throw your shoulders back, make lots of eye contact and smile widely (with your eyes too). Apply compliments liberally but don’t turn into a Hallmark greeting card without at least acknowledging the irony. Be interested, ask lots of questions and listen properly. Don’t just wait for her next pause so you can talk about yourself. If your head’s that far up your own colon, you shouldn’t be out on a date anyway.

If there is chemistry and you decide or just get drunk enough to go for it, ask yourself what you want. A one night stand or the chance of a relationship. If it’s a one night stand, pull out your best party tricks, if it might be more – slow the hell down, people. Get to know the woman – even on the physical plane, there’s so much exploring to be done with fingertips and tongues and skin before you need to hammer in with the old bump grind. Although obviously it has its place too.

However the date ends, act decently and honourably. Courtesy costs nothing, as they say. If you’re a drama dyke of the psycho stalker variety, please don’t ask me out. In fact, please don’t ask anyone out.

If anyone needs me I’ll be polishing my manners, wine glasses and boots.

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